As I said, this was so damaging...I mean, I'm still pretty fucked up from it. But at the same time is was the wakeup call that I needed. I realized that I let our relationship degrade so much, for so long, that there were huge voids...these voids were so big yet I was so blind.
I knew that if there was going to be any recovery from this that I needed to change. I needed to change DRASTICALLY and QUICKLY. That wasn't going to be easy, but I had a great motivator - keeping the person I loved so much in my life. Now some skeptics will say that "If you loved her so much you wouldn't have been a shitty companion all those years" and i will half agree to that. But on the flipside you can still love somebody more than anything and be hurting them if you're not conscious of it...and that was me to a tee.
In the days that followed our emotions ran very close again, but it was only sided. A few days of happiness and bliss were intertwined with more arguing and more hurt. I would occasionally bring the letter up not out of spite or anger, but I just needed to talk about it and just have her listen to me. Whether she was being too defensive, or I was being too offensive, I don't know but it never worked out well.
All the while, I was continuing to work on me and bettering myself, and I did this through some counselling through my EAP (Employee Assistance Plan) at work, and a few AMAZING books. The results I had was eye-opening, and very depressing...but all worthwhile in the end. Read about those next.
Monday, June 2, 2008
The backgrounder
God love anonymity...it allows us to to vent and share our feelings with perfect strangers and feel comfortable doing this...thanks blogspot.
So, here's the catchup story on where I am today...
In March I found a note in my house that my common law wife (we have been together for about 7 years, living together 6) wrote to her partner at work - by partner I mean steady partner in emergency services, I'll leave it at that. These partners tend to form very tight bonds since they spend 50 hours a week together in a confined space, and because in their line of work they have to rely on their partner so much. Anyhow, this letter was worded very emotionally towards him and this was both a shock as much as a knife in my heart. I angrily confronted her about it and she deeply apologized and said that she only wrote it and never gave it. She wrote it because she was confused in her feelings and emotions and she wanted to just write out those feelings to figure shit out...she does this, always has (the writing in general). In her defense we have been in a bad place in our relationship for some time, which is why this occurred.
I love her more than life itself so I was willing to move past this, although it would be difficult. I first asked for her to discontinue the partnership and find a new partner. After much thought back and forth though I rescinded that request because she's been through a few partners that she didn't like and this one she's very happy working with. I didn't want her to resent me down the road for her coming home from work stressed out all the time. But I did think it was fair that I ask she not see him outside of working hours/off the clock. She very quickly agreed to that but come to find out (see future post) she had no wants to do this whatsoever. I mean, I'll take what I can get right...but if she's doing it just because I ask and not because she wants to rebuild our trust then she's not doing it for the right reasons.
This was a huge blow to me and on the same token, this was a wakeup call that I needed so dearly. ..it was time to CHANGE.
So, here's the catchup story on where I am today...
In March I found a note in my house that my common law wife (we have been together for about 7 years, living together 6) wrote to her partner at work - by partner I mean steady partner in emergency services, I'll leave it at that. These partners tend to form very tight bonds since they spend 50 hours a week together in a confined space, and because in their line of work they have to rely on their partner so much. Anyhow, this letter was worded very emotionally towards him and this was both a shock as much as a knife in my heart. I angrily confronted her about it and she deeply apologized and said that she only wrote it and never gave it. She wrote it because she was confused in her feelings and emotions and she wanted to just write out those feelings to figure shit out...she does this, always has (the writing in general). In her defense we have been in a bad place in our relationship for some time, which is why this occurred.
I love her more than life itself so I was willing to move past this, although it would be difficult. I first asked for her to discontinue the partnership and find a new partner. After much thought back and forth though I rescinded that request because she's been through a few partners that she didn't like and this one she's very happy working with. I didn't want her to resent me down the road for her coming home from work stressed out all the time. But I did think it was fair that I ask she not see him outside of working hours/off the clock. She very quickly agreed to that but come to find out (see future post) she had no wants to do this whatsoever. I mean, I'll take what I can get right...but if she's doing it just because I ask and not because she wants to rebuild our trust then she's not doing it for the right reasons.
This was a huge blow to me and on the same token, this was a wakeup call that I needed so dearly. ..it was time to CHANGE.
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